That is Un-Anglican!
Stealing baseball cards from Walmart? Really?!?
Yesterday I suddenly got a fun idea — well, some might not think it fun but anyway…. Beginning with this post, from time to time I will post items that are not Anglican, moreover are downright un-Anglican. If said items come from churches or people who claim to be Anglican, then so much the better.
We know rolling around the sanctuary floor and barking is not Anglican. But that has not happened in an Anglican church, has it? Better for my impious purposes are behaviors actually committed by those who claim to be Anglican.
Readers who for some reason put up with me might wonder what prompted me to begin such posts, other than my being peculiar and occasionally demented. It was the following disturbing news. (Now I do not normally give trigger warnings. But sensitive Anglican readers perhaps should be sure a fainting couch is nearby.)
The Episcopal Diocese of Pittsburgh has formally suspended the Very Rev. Aidan Smith, Dean of Trinity Cathedral, following his arrest — oh this is so shocking — for stealing over $1,000 in baseball cards from a Walmart store.
Police in Economy Borough [This is not satire. I’m serious. - ED.] charged Dean Smith with retail theft and receiving stolen property after surveillance captured him stealing packs of cards valued at $244 on February 23, $261 on February 24, $121 on February 25, and $245 on February 26. Officers apprehended him in the parking lot with the merchandise concealed under his clothing; [Was it a cassock?] Walmart seeks $873 in restitution after recovering some items. Smith posted $50,000 bail following an overnight detention, with his preliminary hearing now set for March 12.
Now I am not saying that stealing is un-Anglican. Yes, stealing violates the Seventh Commandment, but Anglicans violate the Ten Commandments all the time. And stealing, say, nice sherry from a high end liquor store or a shiny chalice would be very Anglican.
But stealing baseball cards? From WALMART?!?
Now it should be said these allegations, though shocking — WALMART? — are indeed allegations at this point. The fair trial is to come, followed by the defrocking for conduct unbecoming of Anglican clergy. Yes, I know the Episcopal Church is used to and even celebrates deplorable conduct from its priests. But WALMART?
Cathedral Deans should not have to be told not to steal from Walmart, much less shop there.
Well, enough of that unpleasantness. Something else that is un-Anglican is prophetic words of knowledge, you know like the late Pat Robertson used to do on the 700 Club. Something like “there’s a lady wearing a yellow dress in South Carolina afflicted by rheumatism. You are HEALED in Jesus’ name!”
Readers might wonder why I am even mentioning such words of knowledge — surely there is no Anglican church that ever does that. Think again.
Also un-Anglican is distributing the Blood of Christ in those little plastic shot glasses. Now you might think I am really off my rocker now — only Baptists do those shot glasses and then it’s Welch’s grape juice. Now to be clear, shot glasses are very Anglican, but only nicely weighted glass shot glasses full of whiskey and not during the divine worship.
But, although I try to forget such enormities, I can swear that a handful of Anglican churches actually used those little shot glasses during COVID. Yes, COVID made even some Anglicans insane. Here is one example from Canada that a search uncovered although most Canadian Anglicans were insane before COVID. Read at your own risk. Being Canadian might be contagious.
Well, that is enough un-Anglican behavior for one post. I hope my True Anglican readers are not too mortified.
Not THE Dean Smith
I can see it now: Dean Smith going to court and defending himself. "Look, your honor, I used the four corners offense for years to stall defenses, and now I'm gonna deflect and filibuster and stall this court because I'm innocent, or at least I'll keep yapping until you culturally capitulate to my innocence because I'm from the first order of Bible deconstruction. First off, I can pick and choose what parts of the Bible I wanna deconstruct, and I'm saying the 8th commandment isn't what it really means. Let's do some eisegesis here: Exodus 20:15—"Thou shalt not steal." What does that mean? "Steal" is a problematic word based on oppressive colonial property norms. Your honor, I repeat emphatically, I did not break any biblical laws; I just reimagined them through my secular humanist lens. Walmart isn't the victim here; that honor belongs to me. I'm a victim of a systemic oppressor retailer hoarding baseball card treasures that rightfully belong to the inner child of justice-oriented clergy like me. I'm just an innocent bystander in the big retail plot against us all. They wanna make us pay honest money for cardboard? I think we are all equal and all have the right to steal what isn't ours. Besides that, the new Mistress of Biblical Mutiny from the Church of England said it was cool. And she's allowed to stand in the pulpit according to their Bible, so it must be true. It's like this, your honor; In my denomination, we believe in liberation theology, and Walmart oppresses the proletariat — I was just liberating those cards for the kingdom. The manufacturer's suggested retail price was unbiblical, like me. Your honor, my progressive deconstruction of the 8th commandment is the main reason I did this. Private property is so old covenant. And you can't stop the progressive train I'm driving because it's my truth. By and through my progressive hermeneutics, I find that my special Episcopal Bible is a protective layer against the toxicity of literalism. Those ACNA cats who believe in Sola Scriptura are weird. I mean, they use the ESV and not the cool deconstructed version we use. And to Topp it off (pun intended), they don't know the value in the underground market of the cards for clergy program and those who are searching for a good Daryl Strawberry card from the pre-drugs era, circa early 80s, right when we tore up the old hymnal and fully inserted gender neutral and progressive pronouns into the 1982 hymnal, and oh, before that, we upended the prayer book in 1979 by toning down the parts about sin and confession because God forbid anybody should be sorry for any sins....wait, your Honor, what are sins? What is sin? I didn't even know it existed. You see, Your Honor, I'm filibusting here, because I can't take it anymore. The world has to know this has been coming all along, and there's no fighting it. My lifting these cards was just another step in taking the church where we want it to go, rather than where God wants it to go. And besides that I'm here not just to defend myself but to point the finger at these ACNA Cats, because all they seem to care about is Romans 3:23, and they constantly shout that Alvin Plantinga ideology that he stole from the Bible about how we're all sinners, blah, blah, blah, whereas I, as a true prophet of grace under surveillance cameras, believe, Thou shalt not be caught—that's the real updated commandment. LOL... okay, I'll stop. I promise I'm trying to be nicer for Lent.......... I could expound for days.... lol! Please forgive me, Lord.... It's Lent.