Pope Francis Meets Satan

Support of Synodality Mutually Affirmed

Pope Francis met with His Eminence Beelzebub S. Satan in a private audience at the Casa Santa Marta papal residence on Wednesday. Satan’s delegation included several prominent Americans, including former President Bill Clinton.

Clinton, who now focuses his efforts on philanthropy and public affairs, had visited Albania July 3-4 and received from the Albanian prime minister a public-gratitude medal and some hot young women for his support of Albania and for NATO's intervention in the Kosovo War.

Satan is the father of the billionaire financier and philanthropist George Soros and the grandfather of Alex Soros, the new chairman of the Open Society Foundations, a philanthropic giant that the elder Soros founded.  The Holy Father noted with a smile the family resemblance.

The Pope presented Clinton with a statue of a woman holding a dove. The Pontiff said it represents “a work for peace.”  Clinton received it with thanks, saying he would like a piece and asking if he could have a special audience with the woman who was the model for the statue.

The Holy See Press Office in a July 5 email described the gathering as a “private audience” with Satan and his delegation.

Satan thanked Pope Francis for all he has done for the Church and the world, including suppression of the Latin Mass.  And, in an unprecedented and candid statement, His Eminence apologized for the Satanic Masses at the Vatican in past years, remarking that those are no longer needful given progress towards the abolition of the outdated traditional Mass.

The Prince of Darkness also praised the Synodal Process and thanked the Holy Father for allowing a Legion to participate in it.  The Holy Father in turn thanked the Unholy Father for his assistance in broadening ecumenism and understanding and in increasing the ministry of the Society of Jesus.

Upon departing, Satan warmly expressed he was looking forward to meeting the Holy Father again “soon.”

After the meeting, the Vatican responded to a report that the Holy Father was heard to say, “Beelzebub is not so bad at all, but Big Bill — who let him into the Vatican?  He is worse about keeping his hands off the nuns than some of my Cardinals!”  The Vatican neither affirmed nor denied the report but said that is not the official position of the Holy See.